A Sports Addict’s Guide to Saturday October Weddings
By David Lurie
You couldn’t draw up a more perfect Saturday afternoon. It was 70 degrees and sunny. I was sipping on a spicy margarita and admiring the surrounding mountain view. My friends were about to get married, and I was going to spend the rest of my evening eating good food, enjoying free drinks, and getting a little boogie on. There was just one small problem:
There’s a reasonable case to be made that October weddings should be illegal. Every advantage that Mother Nature grants October is erased by the fact that weddings are usually on Saturday. And Saturdays in October contain PRIME college football. So after receiving that fateful text message, my margarita no longer tasted as sweet. The mountain side no longer looked as beautiful and vast. All I could see in my mind’s eye was an army of screaming Tennessee Volunteers fans, watching one of the best games any of them will ever see. And it was in this moment that I realized what had to be done: it’s time to prepare the next generation of October wedding victims for the inevitable.
Today I present a guide to dealing with this exact situation.
Step 1: The Only Word You Know on Saturday Morning is Yes.
This may not apply to everyone, but if you are attending said wedding with your significant other, and they do not share your addictions, then it’s absolutely CRITICAL to follow this step. Simply put, when you wake up on the morning of the wedding day, forget every word you’ve ever learned in your entire life. All you know how to say is “Yes”.
Do you want to go apple picking? Yes.
Do you want to go on a run? Yes.
Do you want to get coffee and explore the surrounding area? Yes.
If you’re really good at this, you’ll try to get these plans going as early as possible so you can perfectly set up this next step.
Step 2: Position Yourself for the Noon Games
If you’re carrying a bag of apples in your hand, or you’re drenched in sweat from your morning jog, you’ve done an excellent job! Now it’s time to find a restaurant with access to several televisions, and suggest eating lunch there. It’s perfect because it’s social enough to appease another person or group of people, while enabling you to take in as many games as humanly possible. And if you’re by yourself, you can do better than your hotel room TV setup.
In my experience, wedding ceremonies typically start around 4 at the earliest. There are no excuses here. You should be able to catch at minimum the first half of the noon college football games at the restaurant of your choosing. And when it’s time to get ready for the ceremony, you can flip through games simultaneously in your room.
Step 3: Do Not Ignore the Value of the Wedding Bus
Lets say around 3:30-4:30 it’s probably time to board a bus that’s going to take you to the wedding venue. You may think football consumption is finished for the day, but that is a huge rookie mistake.
You see, a bus typically contains around 50 people. Of those 50 people, it’s safe to assume about 17% of them are complete sports degenerates, just like yourself. People always say listening is a critical skill. In this moment, you should be applying this skill like you never have before. Keep your ears peeled and in no time you’ll start hearing things like “Wow, Tennessee is beating Alabama 28-10” or “I lost so much money on Texas earlier today”. On top of this spatial awareness, use your phone as much as possible to check scores or even watch games depending on your level of service.
The biggest mistake people make is thinking that responsible, well-adjusted behavior starts on the bus. Absolutely not. The bus is the Wild West. Act accordingly.
Step 4: Forget Your Phone Exists
But the moment you step off the bus, it is time to behave. You are probably stepping into a nice location, paid for with lots of money by the family that is hosting you. It’s not a good look to be refreshing your phone to check the score of a game between 3-3 Wisconsin and 2-4 Michigan State (I am NOT speaking from personal experience).
But the good thing is weddings are constructed for maximum pleasure. You might be offered a nice beverage right away. This past weekend it was champagne. You will be feeling separation anxiety from the college football chaos. Lean into what the wedding is offering you, and relax a little bit.
Within about 15-30 minutes, everyone will be seated for the ceremony. If for whatever reason you still find yourself refreshing the score of JMU-Georgia Southern during the wedding itself, forget all of these steps and seek help immediately.
Step 5: The Photo
After the ceremony comes the biggest test you will face the entire day. Maybe of your entire life. Photo time.
It doesn’t really matter what your situation is. You’re probably going to have to be involved in a picture. Right before my photo, I received the text message that led to the creation of this guide. Suddenly my cheeks felt stiff. My eyes felt weak. I was distracted to say the least. But no one feels sorry for you. Pull it together, put on the happiest face you can, and execute the photo as quickly as possible. Because the longer it takes, the more photos you’re going to have to take.
Step 6: Embrace the Moment
Take a huge breathe, you just got past the photo. This is a big step in your journey! While you’re not going to be transported in front of 7 televisions like you hope, you’ve made it to the point where it becomes hard not to enjoy your day, regardless of the terrible situation you’ve been put in. Appetizers of all shapes and sizes are working their way around the venue. The open bar is alive. You’re less than an hour away from some beef tenderloin. Even if you are missing one of the greatest college football games of all time, you must show gratitude in this moment.
If you’re lucky, you might end up talking to someone new, with a different background and perspective on life than you. On Saturday, I talked to a guy whose first athletic hobby was free climbing. For those that don’t know what that is, that means he scales mountains without being attached to a rope. Great guy, who also had no idea who Coach K was. Different strokes different folks..
Step 7: The Late Night Check-In
You’ve downed your beef tenderloin. You got your groove on to cheesy music on the dance floor. It’s been a good night, you may have even lost track of time! But suddenly you remember it’s Saturday, and there’s about 20 games you don’t know the results of. While it was rude to check your phone frequently earlier, no one is paying attention anymore. You know what time it is? SCORE CHECK TIME!
I will say this: the few minutes building up to finding out the scores of the game you missed can be more exhilarating than taking in the action live. If you’re seeing the results you wanted to see, get back out on the dance floor and celebrate! If the results you see involve 3 of your wins pool teams losing in the closing seconds of the game, well..there’s still that open bar.
And there you have it. While this guide won’t solve your problem, it will hopefully make it easier to deal with. All you can do is try to have a great time with the people you care about, even if they clearly don’t care about you. After all, they still scheduled their wedding on a Saturday in October.
Wins Pool Update
Team Lurie - 58
Team Iezzi - 58
Uhhhh ohhh… 😏
Week 8: Games to Watch
#20 Texas (JI) v. #11 Oklahoma State (DL)
#9 UCLA (JI) v. #10 Oregon (DL)
#14 Syracuse v. #5 Clemson (JI)
#21 Cincinnati (DL) v. SMU
#7 Ole Miss (JI) v. LSU
#24 Mississippi State v. #6 Alabama (JI)
Kansas v. Baylor (JI)
Pittsburgh (DL) v. Louisville
Duke v. Miami FL (JI)
UCF (DL) v. ECU
Don’t worry David. You didn’t miss anything. Alabama / TN - Low scoring game. No drama… little fan engagement. LOL
👍 To your list!